The Dark Ride Saga
by King Doom
Summary: Great plots! Amazing dialogue! Stunning character development! None of this at all in the continued adventures of my OC, Cal Deevone!!! Nine chapters!!! Will the random exclamation points ever end!!!!!!!!!!
1. Run With The wolves, but don't smell lik...

      The Dark Ride Saga - Chapter 

                               one 

  Run with the wolves, but don't smell like 

                                chicken.

Jean couldn't believe what was happening, what Ororoe was doing! This shouldn't be happening! She was married to Scott! All this and every other protest in her mind died as Storm slid her hand slowly down 

                                                       Okay, now I'm sure I have your attention, it's time for the

                                                                                             Disclaimers-

Round up the usual suspects: 

I own none of the following. 'Cept for Cal. The characters and situations all belong to someone else. As a matter of fact, I'm not real, either. I'm a psychic entity created and sustained by three magic goldfish, genetically created remnants of the cold war, currently hiding in a secret underground bunker in Uzbekistan. Sue me now!

This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship:

Since I don't make any money out of this, and am getting only ego gratification, please feel free to archive this. But do please tell me 'bout it. In a review maybe? (Hint Hint)

The problems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy mixed up world: 

But I'm rating it PG just to be safe.

I seem to have gotten a little turned around here. WHERE ARE WE!?!: 

They aren't sure when this took place either, but I massively altered the time line using my author powers anyway.

I'm shocked, shocked, to find gambling going on here: 

At least there are no real spoilers. Well okay probably some old ones.

New York.

Like the song says it's a helluva town.

Right at that point, it was raining.

Figures.

Anyway, I was trudging through the empty streets, trying to ignore the giant Roaches that scuttled for cover as I kicked through the drifts of sodden newspapers and decaying rubbish lining the street. I idly tracked a roach as it scuttled into an alley. An indistinct shape detached from the shadows and then disappeared. All was silent 'cept for a quiet crunching noise. I shook my head and moved on. I'd heard stories about the homeless using the roaches as a staple food supply before but I'd never believed them, till that point anyway. Right then it didn't matter to me. It bothers the hell outta me now though, and so does the fact I just walked on. Just shows you how much people can change.

A few blocks down and I came to the Hudson River. A few minutes walk brought me to a small park I know of. It's a little out of the way so it's usually empty. Safe too. It's kinda like neutral ground for the street gangs. I guess even muggers need someplace to take the kids to play catch. I always thought it was one of the nicest places in the city. The way the setting sun sparkled off of the windows in the tower blocks and the gentle gurgling of the river made it seem like all was right with the world. Out in the river a body surfaced and dispelled that illusion. I turned away, suddenly cold in a way that had nothing to do with the temperature. Outside the parks entrance I paused a moment to light up. Back then I tended to chain smoke cheap cigars. A quarter hour's worth of walking brought me to the worst part of the city.

Why?

I was living in an abandoned building. The remains of an ancient sign earmarked the building as unsuitable for human habitation. I always found that amusing. It would never apply to me. Ever. You couldn't beat the rent and if you ignored the asbestos it wasn't so bad. 

I'd almost reached the doors when I realized I was being followed. Shows what depressed introspection'll do to your survival reflex huh? I concentrated. Didn't need any sort of special abilities to realize it was some random gang. Four lots of footsteps. I smiled and ducked into yet another of the cities myriad (great word huh? myriad.) alleys. On impulse I moved into the shadows and leaned against the wall. Just as they were drawing level I took a drag on my cigar, letting its glow illuminate me. Cyberpunk. They thought it made them look deadly. I thought they looked like a gunfight at a bondage party. I shook my head. That was an image that was gonna haunt me for the next coupla days. Their leather clothing, blatantly displayed weapons and heavy piercing combined to make it look like someone was having a bad day. I sighed. If they bothered me they would find out who and just how bad. There were five. I'd missed one. I was getting sloppy. Didn't matter though, I still outnumbered them one to five. I could only stay in the human world for so long and my time was almost up. I decided to cut straight to the point. 

"Any reason you're following me?"

For a streetwise gang of killers they sure were spooked easily. The leader produced a gun and leveled it at my forehead. A flick of his wrist and a red dot laser sight activated, aimed square between my eyes. I didn't move. My lack of a reaction was worrying him. Finally he announced

"This is our turf o.k.?"

Another joined in with

"Since it's our turf we gotta collect taxes ya know? Wouldn't do ta let tha place deteriorate ya know?"

That produced a chuckle from the group and I fought the urge to groan. Evil criminal masterminds they were not. In the darkness, my smile turned into a definite grin. The sort of grin a shark gives to a diver before something digestive happens. I made up my mind and relaxed, enjoying the sense of release as I resumed my real form.

What would come out of the shadows would really surprise them.

It would be, quite accurately, the surprise of their lives.


	2. Welcome to my world

          The Dark Ride Saga – 

                 Chapter two                                            

                  Welcome to my world.

                                                                                    Disclaimers-

This is a local shop for local people:

I own only my copy of evil dead three with the alternate ending and a three foot mountain of junk food wrappers where my bin used to be. It moves. I swear! In the night it moves!...Uh and all characters except for Cal belong to those nice people at Marvel. 'Cept for Megaman. He belongs to the nice people at Nintendo.

Oh god! They know where I live!:

Archive this and I'll name my first born after you. Just tell me about it at some point.

It may become necessary to say the word ass at some point:

I'm giving this chapter a PG too, just to be safe.

Lost, Alone, Confused and dressed as a pirate:

Canon, as in so far outta whack with the real Marvel universe you could only get here by being fired from one.

Hey, I know how this ends!:

There may be some spoilers, but they'll be old.

I woke up the next morning feeling like hell. I'd made my way back to the few not-as-derelict-as-the-rest-of-the-building rooms that served as my home. With a groan I dragged myself out of the room I'd been sleeping in. On a table were the wallets and weaponry I had relieved the gang of. I wasn't feeling bad because of the fight, that had lasted only a few seconds. I was feeling terrible because I AM NOT a morning person. I idly toyed with the idea of killing everyone in the world who was but gave it up because it would have taken too much effort. Heh. Right around that point in my day, anything that doesn't involve coffee takes too much effort. I squatted in front of the table and managed after about three attempts to mutter

"Need coffee."

After some serious effort that even involved thinking at one point I made the coffee. Something wasn't right. I managed to think some more. I realized what the problem was.  I swore loudly. I don't need anything to help me do that in the morning. I had absolutely no water. With a sigh I settled down for a nice long stare at my cup of ground beans. 

Hey, it might help.

It didn't. After about 15 minutes I realized this. 

I looked over at my clock. It read 1:12 pm. I started swearing again. I had no idea it was so early. Little did I know that my day was only gonna get worse. I finally got around to checking the wallets of the gang members. Less than forty five dollars between them. Still that was forty five dollars more than I had before counting and thinking about the fight did make me feel a little better. 

Hey! 

Don't look at me like that!

I'm a guy. We hit stuff, we make fire and we chase women. In about that order. I was in a condemned building, so fire was out and for obvious reasons I wasn't ever gonna get to enjoy any sort of female companionship that I wouldn't have to pay for or dig up first. Violence it was. My (admittedly bizarre) train of thought was suddenly derailed by a not very common in this area noise. Cars. Lots of 'em. And a truck. Something else too. Something big. Mechanical. Probably a sentinel. I sighed. It was always sentinels. I had a sudden realization that slaughtering five gang members right outside the building I was living in probably wasn't a good idea. I took a moment to pack up what sparse belongings I had and then run over the fiendishly clever escape plan I'd come up with. Run, jump through the window, fall three stories to the street and run away. Percentage chance of failure? Zero. Absolutely brilliant. 

There's a reason people yell at me when I try to plan anything. Can you spot it?

It took all of thirty seven seconds for this plan to fail. Thirty seven. Even for one of my plans it was bad. The jump through the window was flawless. And impressive. The three story drop wasn't something that would bother me. Hell, I'd probably walk away from a thirty story drop. It was the landing that all went wrong. I hit the road. Went through the road. Found myself sitting ass deep in sewer water. I can think on my feet though. Or my butt in this case. I was quickly up and running. After a couple of miles I figured I could stop running. Or at least slow down. I came to a Y-intersection. One path was pretty much the same as the one I was in. there was what sounded like footsteps coming from the other. If there were people down there maybe there was some place I could crash. I sighed. I hadn't been a fugitive for an hour and I was already contemplating living in a sewer. Great. I suddenly had a craving for nicotine. Couldn't exactly smoke though. More swearing. One advantage flatscans…sorry, humans have that I don't is lips. 

Anyway.

I set off again. Whoever had been running had stopped. Unfortunately there was definitely the sound of fighting coming from up ahead. I moved into a bigger chamber. There were six people inside, all of them felt like mutants. It looked like five of them were squaring off against the sixth. Well, technically there were six people. Three were down. The amount of splatter was a good indication none of them were ever going to get up again. I decided to intervene. To this day I don't know why.  I moved towards the biggest person. I was assuming it was a he. The guy was huge. Huge with a capital H and a very big uge. Nine feet tall, about five across at the shoulders, a sickly green color, muscles like a sock full of footballs and worst of all, covered in faces. Not marks or scars or tattoos that looked like faces. Actual faces. With moving eyes. And mouths. They were all talking. Not the nicest mutant I've ever seen. I was suddenly glad I was using my camouflage abilities. If I stand still I'm almost impossible to see. I'm just a transparent swirl in the air when I move. I call it the Chameleon Sting. After sting Chameleon from Megaman X if you must know. I love that game. 'Cept for Sigma. I…

Sidetracked again.

Sorry.

Anyway. I was attacking the big mutant face guy. I threw a punch into the small of his back. My claw connected with a very satisfying noise that if I had to describe, I'd say was like a butcher hitting a side of meat with a cleaver. My camouflage dissipated just as every face on his body let out a howl and he pitched forward into the…well I'll call the stuff water. Remember, at the time I was in a sewer. I turned to the other mutant. This one had orange hair and purple skin. All her limbs were long thin tendrils. Odds on there were poison tipped or razor sharp. And she could see me. I didn't mention that? The Chameleon Sting only works till I take offensive action. Damned inconvenient at times, virtually deadly at others. Still, other people manage to win fights without being invisible. 

I tend to go off on tangents don't I?

Sorry. Again.

The mutant woman made an almost elegant gesture towards me and her fingers extended and shot out towards me. 

No 

"Who are you!?!"

Or

"You'll pay for interfering."

 Straight to trying to kill me. People, well, bad guys anyway, tend to like to shout at attackers before retaliating. Strange but true. I quickly executed a flip to my left, dodging her attack and as she turned to follow me I retaliated, back flipping and catching her under her chin with a hoof. She went down in a spray of blood and teeth. Play the character endings and roll the credits 'cos this game is over. 

I suddenly felt a twinge in my back. A twinge that developed into a sudden agonizing burst of pain. Thankfully I passed out at that point. I'd forgotten about the sixth person. If I had remembered I'd have assumed that the person would be thankful for my help. Big mistake.

When people talk about how one tiny decision can alter the course of someone's life, how choosing one path over another can completely alter your destiny I smile. For me, in that sewer, it happened literally and it did indeed change my life. 

And got me violently stabbed in the back too.  


	3. Last Traction Hero

      The Dark Ride Saga - Chapter 

                          Three

                      Last Traction Hero.

                                                                       Disclaimers-

"I just invented bleeding to death through the nipples! Arrrggghhh…":

Just like the fine people at Celebrity Death match own that quote the fine people at Marvel own everyone except for Cal.

I can see my house from here!:

You wanna archive, feel free. Tell me about it though.

It's not illegal if I don't see it happen!:

As usual this gets a PG. Rather safe than sued by the PTA.

"Hey! You ever notice that on page three thirty five his name is Cylops?":

So alternate universe it gets its own postcode.

"Luke, I am your father!":

Spoilers maybe, but ancient ones.

I was lying on a beautiful, deserted tropical beach.

The sun was shining, the sky was cloudless and blue, the sea was calm and everything was wonderful in the world.

That wasn't right. I always avoid the sun. More shadows at dawn, dusk and night time. Easier to hide.

Meh.

Yes, I said meh.

It's the verbal equivalent of the 'I don't care' shrug, as practiced by teenagers the world over.

This time it's your fault I went off on a tangent.

Anyway, I decided to forget about it. It was too relaxing to worry about anything. I yawned and stretched out my arms and extended my wings. Or tried to. My wings were gone. This wasn't worrying me as much as it should. I scratched my head in confusion. There was something wrong with my arm too. I stared at it for a while and gave up. 

I closed my eyes. I'd work it out later. 

Or not. I suddenly realized what was wrong. I had a hand. My claw was gone. I opened my eyes again and looked down. I was human. Fully human. That wasn't right. I shouldn't be able to shift to my human form for at least two weeks. 

Meh.

More verbal shrugging.

More tangents. Sorry. I really should try to stop doing that. It must be really annoying. 

I'm doing it now aren't I?

Anyway, I was lying on a beach, fully human and feeling too relaxed to care how. 

I rolled onto my back. There was a sudden sharp pain. I remember thinking something along the lines of

'Owowowow. It bit me! The beach bit me!'

Not exactly a logical train of thought is it? Something was happening to the sky. It was falling. No, that wasn't right. It was slowly lowering. And changing. Cracking and becoming pitted. It resolved itself into a ceiling. The sun had changed itself into a low watt electric light bulb. I closed all my eyes and groaned. Most of my back was in agony. Terrible, nightmarish, being made to listen to Britney Spears while wearing a blindfold so I wouldn't be able to distract myself from the music by looking at her ass painful. I managed a low level echo pulse. I was in a basement. A basement occupied by two people. One was me, obviously. The other was…

What? Echo pulse? It's like when you hold your nose and blow till your ears pop. 

Is it just me or does that sentence sound wrong somehow? 

Anyway.

It's kinda like a dolphin's sonar. Except not in water, obviously. And much more sensitive. And by the way, it's your fault I've gotten off topic. 

Again. 

There was a sudden noise. Whoever was in the room was pacing. And muttering.

"What was I thinking!...Bringing it…"

There was a pause. The voice continued.

"Bringing him here."

That was new. No had ever not called me an it.

Did that sentence make sense? 

"Stupid upworlders hate me…why should they treat him differently…why am I even asking that? He's not me…of course they'll treat him with respect…they'll want to help him…why did I help him?..."

The voice was getting angry. The pacing stopped for a moment then resumed. Reached the other side of the room and turned around. I felt strangely proud of realizing that fact. Guess I still wasn't one hundred percent. 

"…No one ever helped me…"  

The voice suddenly sounded sadder too. 

"…no one…"

Much sadder.

I groaned again. Louder this time. I wanted to find out how they (whoever they were) would react if they thought I was waking up before I actually let 'em find out I was awake. That way if things were really bad and I'd been captured by the Friends of Humanity or the Society Of Preventing The Mutants Eating My Baby or whatever I'd have an extra few seconds of shrieking and running away time.                                                                                     

Stop looking at me like that.

I'm not a coward. Seriously, I'm not. I just have a small issue with being beaten to death by an angry mob because I'm carrying unfashionable DNA.

Anyway, it's like the old saying goes-

'He who shrieks and runs away lives to flee another day.'   

The footsteps and the muttering stopped for a second and then the person hurried out of the room. I relaxed a little. I was always uncomfortable around other people. I guess I still am, sometimes anyway. I decided to wait, see what happened. They might be careless and let something useful slip. That and it really hurt to move. 

After about five minutes the footsteps returned. Two people this time.

"He groaned."

"Are you certain?"

"…"

"You know this would be so much simpler if we moved him to the infirmary?"

"…"

I remember thinking 

'Ok, either the first person just turned into a telepath or those were the most expressive silences I've ever heard.' 

I'd always thought I was the master of the disgruntled scowl technique but even without opening my eyes I knew I was outclassed. 

I felt someone examine my back. Serious pain happened. I tensed up. The person moved back. I could hear the two of them talking but infuriatingly I couldn't hear what they were talking about. One of the people left.  Finally the other spoke.

"I know you're awake."

Dammit.

"If you still were unconscious you wouldn't have flinched."

Time to face the music.

I opened my eyes.                                                                                                  


	4. The nature of the beast

   The Dark Ride Saga – Chapter                     

                           Four

                      The Nature Of The Beast

                                                                                     Disclaimers-

"Let my people go free!":

I own No one but Cal. Well not really, that would be slavery. I leave the enslavement of poor defenceless superheroes and heroines to our evil overlords at Marvel who own everyone else mentioned.

"Hey maw! I'm onna TV! WOOHOO!":

You don't even need my permission to archive this. Just tell me were it is.

"Ooh, controversial!":

This gets a PG. all my stories do. Wouldn't want a small child to read a bad word. No one knows where the horror would end.

"Weird. The Golden Grahams tasted the same on the way down as they did on the way back up.":

There may seem to be continuity but there is not. Hey, that was practically Zen! How cool am I?

That's your horoscope for today:

There may indeed be spoilers, but they will be very old.

Wow.

That was my first thought.

And my second.

My third was 'I wonder if she's seeing anyone.'

Everyone knows anything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way. My fourth thought wasn't even legal there. 

She was tall, muscular and had pink hair. People talk about supermodels with really fine bones structure, but none of 'em ever had anything like she did. Hers was external in some places, for a start. There was a crest on her forehead running along her eyebrows and down the bridge of her nose with a spike curving upwards from the centre, as well as one curving down each side of her head framing her face. She looked like she was wearing an elaborate facemask. Her collar bones had grown out and fused so she looked like she was also wearing a very ornate collar. One her right side three spines were growing from her back and around her shoulder. On her left two much bigger spikes were protruding. Three more spikes were protruding from her forearm. 

I mentally shook myself. 

'Say something cool! Say something cool!'

I managed a tentative

"Uh…hi?"

'Real cool. James Bond fears the day you come for his job.'

'Dammit brain, think of something that'll impress her or I'll stab you to death with a Q-tip.'

She was looking at me in a very strange way. I really hoped I'd just thought about stabbing my brain to death with a Q-tip and hadn't actually said anything out loud. I wondered if she'd believe I was delirious.

"Marrow."

I'll always remember that. It was the first time she ever spoke to me. 

Well okay, technically it wasn't the first time she'd ever spoken to me. Since I'd been faking unconsciousness the first time and had my eyes shut it didn't count. If you don't see something it doesn't count. Everyone knows that. My reply was less than stunning though. Just a little.

"Uh…wha?"

From her tone, her opinion of me was sinking fast.

"Can you even speak? Try something with syllables. Go for Two. Three if you feel up to it."

At that point she was abusing sarcasm. I told her so.

I managed to pull myself to my feet.

I decided to be friendly. I smiled. She immediately dropped into a fighting stance as well as grabbing one of her shoulder spikes and with a sickening tearing noise ripped it out.

I know I'm not the best looking guy around or anything but having someone try to pull her skeleton out 'cos I smiled at her was kind of ego destroying. 

Unfortunately she was now holding the spike like a weapon. 

It looked unpleasantly sharp.

I realised I was stuck in a basement with an angry woman holding a very nasty looking bonesword.

Situation bad, getting worse.

Looking back though, I suppose her reaction was understandable. 

I mean look at me, I'm nine feet tall, I have two very big wings, my left arm terminates in a claw comprised of three huge talons. My left forearm also comprises a plasma cannon that fires out of my palm.

Between the talons and the gun I can really give someone a bitchslap.

What else? 

Oh yea. 

I also have a tail. 

It's prehensile.

And hooves. They're kinda like a horses.

I don't exactly have skin either. It's…well I call it bio-armour. It's like part of me, but it isn't. It's tough, light affords amazing protection against kinetic and energy attacks but its like going through life wrapped in thick cotton wool. Very thick cotton wool. I can barely feel anything at the best of times. Physical sensations are rare for me. It's a curse and a blessing.

Well…more of a curse.

A lot more.

I bear a striking resemblance to a Death Adder. My face anyway. Death Adders are like Rattlesnakes only a hell of a lot meaner. Instead of a few fangs I have lots of very big, very sharp teeth. Smiling makes me look like I'm about to chew your face off.

Not exactly reassuring but the best I can do.

My only redeeming feature is that my tongue has close to a five foot reach.

All in all I look like the bastard offspring of Jaws and the thing from Aliens. 

Now can you understand why I avoid crowds? Why I avoid everyone? 

I live in a world were people are persecuted for mutations as minor as differently coloured skin or hair.

You can imagine how society at large would react to me.

That has to be the biggest this-has-absolutely-nothing-to-do-with-the-story tangent I've ever gone off on.

Most depressing one too, 'specially towards the end.

Sorry.

Anyway.

I slowly raised my hands in a gesture of peace.

She relaxed a little.

Stood up. After a moments indecision she turned and headed towards the door. I could sense her internal conflict about turning her back on me. It felt strange that some who had just met me would trust me outright. It felt strange that anyone would trust me. I resolved that if I could help it I wouldn't do anything to make her regret that.

Finally she spoke.

"Come on. I'll introduce you to the others."


	5. We and I be meetin' the XMen!

      The Dark Ride Saga – Chapter  

                            Five

             We and I be Meetin' The X-men. 

                                                                                            Disclaimers-

"I resent that implication! My character is original! How many Italian plumber superheroes can you think of, huh?":

Cal's mine. Everyone else belongs to Marvel. You can tell they don't belong to me because if they did there'd be a swimsuit issue. Still a man can dream…

"Do you want it sir?"  "Oh, do you sir? Do you want it?":

If you want to archive this, I will build a shrine to you and worship you as a god.

"Whatever floats your boat":

PG. As usual. 

Zen and the art of temporal discontinuity:

Strange things happen. Reality in a conventional sense will be ignored.

"I'm too tired to think up anything amusing.":

There may be spoilers. Does anyone care?

Round about the same time I was meeting the X-men for the first time another conversation was taking place…

No wait…That aint right…It was…They were…While this was going on…

Gimme a second here.

I lived through this stuff. 

Several times in fact. 

It still confuses the hell out of me.

Doctor Hank McCoy. AKA Beast. Well known genius and all round smart guy. 

I've tried explaining this stuff to him figuring if anyone could understand it he could. He couldn't. That may have been my fault. You can imagine how difficult _that conversation could be, right?_

Let me start again. The second conversation was happening at about the same point I was meeting the X-men for the first time, but it was happening several thousand years in the future. 

Convergent timelines or something.

I'm making even less sense than usual. 

Anyway.

It went something like this.

"It's ready? Finally? How does the finished product compare to the specifications?"

"Product? Try work of art. Try the single greatest masterpiece any human has ever borne witness to, let alone ever dreamed of creating. Death himself will weep for the souls of its victims. Despite the problems we had acquiring the necessary components it is complete, and to the required specifications. Nothing short of the reactivation of Armageddon armories will be able to stop it."

"And the Prototype?"

"The prototype will not be a problem. Contrary to popular belief he did not emerge invulnerable. There was a period of several years between his annihilation of the Culling Crew program and the point at which his DNA reflex was first recorded. That would be the perfect time to attack."

"The weaponry?"

"Everything is ready. The Oxygen Destroyer. The Torque cannon. The Crisis Engine. The Matter Caster. The unit's amour is even composed of ND matter. If it is damaged then it simply grafts fresh material from outside of existence. And it is ready."

I'm not sure what the room they were in at the time actually looked like but I just gotta take this opportunity to wax poetic.

(In other words these next few lines are a completely true story I just made up.) 

The room stretched out into the darkness below the catwalk the two figures stood on. The darkness made it impossible to divine the true size of the room, but the emptiness of it, the hollowness sucked at the eyes of the viewer. This wasn't a place for people. This was an abyss. If you could ignore the way your eyes watered you might have glimpsed something. Darker patches moving in the blackness, and with them an ominous feeling that this time the abyss was ready to do more than just stare back. Much more.

Hehe.

How cool was that?

Anyway, back to my second favorite topic, Me. 

Slowly I made my way to the top of the stairs, thinking desperately to myself as I did.

'Look pathetic! Don't make eye contact. Stutter. Call everyone sir. Flinch a lot.'

Marrow walked into the room and I heard her announce

"This is some mutant guy I met. He's gonna be staying here ok?"

I stepped into the room in time to catch the looks of amazement and confusion on the faces of half a dozen very surprised people sitting around a breakfast table.

They looked at me.  

I looked at them.

They blinked in amazement.

I blinked because the morning sun was shining in my eyes and I'd just realized how early it was.

The clock on the wall read five fifty seven. Five fifty seven AM. 

Yea.

That's what I thought, too.

Apparently there's been a five AM on Saturday mornings for a while now. 

Makes you wonder what else they're not tellin' ya, huh?

I'd already forgotten everything about trying to appear meek and was trying not to scream something along the lines of 'what the hell is wrong with you people!?! Its five am! FIVE AM! AND YOU HAVE COFFEE! AND I DON'T! AND I WANT SOME OR CAL GO BUCK BIGGITY BUCKWILD!! EAHAHAHHAHHHHAHHAHAHAH!!!!'

At that point my eyes may have been rotating in different directions. I really am not a morning person.

Anyway.

A short guy dressed as a lumberjack was the first to comment.

"Him. Staying here. Uh-huh."

It was weird the way he said it. No inflection or anything. No surprise in the tone, or panic or anything. I mentally moved him from category A (Strangers) to category L (People not to borrow money from or put the Mac down on their family members, or indeed, annoy in any way, shape or form. Ever.) Three metal claws slid from the back of each of his hands.

Situation bad, getting worse.

A stunning African American woman with pure white hair who had managed to remain regal and composed despite the fact the angry lumberjack guy had done the claw thing was next to speak.

"Logan, perhaps we should allow Sarah and her… guest to explain themselves before we do something we may later have cause to regret."

"She brings home a B-movie monster and you want to let her explain? And not, Y'know, like kill it?"

This from an Asian teenage girl sitting at the table in front of a bowl of cereal so loaded with sugar it was giving me cavities just being in the same room. I decided right then she was a mutant, and her power had something to do with the ability to consume masses of stuff that is only food on a technicality.

The weirdest looking person at the table joined the conversation at that point. He looked like a giant Muppet. Kinda like Animals uncle or something. And he was blue.

"On behalf of those mutants with more shall we say, unconventional, physiologies may I take the opportunity to say Gee, thanks a lot."

He turned to me and continued

"Please, ignore our somewhat tactless companion here. Please, sit. Help yourself."

He waved an arm across the table. He was offering me coffee. I decided right then and there that if they did let me stay I'd attach myself to this guy. I'd never considered myself plucky young sidekick material but hell, he was the provider of caffeine.

I did mention it takes me a while to get anything resembling a normal thought process going if I'm up anytime before lunchtime right?

Anyway.

I sat at the table. I was finishing my third cup when I noticed that they were staring at me. 

Well, ok. They'd been staring at me before, and hadn't actually stopped. Anyway. They were still staring at me, but it had gone from an 'Am I really seeing this?' surprised stare to a 'Yes I'm fairly certain its eating the crockery' stare. 

Its not my fault I don't have lips. 

Its also not my fault its easier to eat the cups full of wonderful caffeine laced coffee than anything else. 

Its not like said cups were expensive or anything.

"Gambit tink yo friend maybe need a few pointers on breakfast table decorum huh petit?"

That was from a guy with red eyes. I remember I immediately thought 

'Jersey boy. No doubt about it. That accent is fake. Seriously pathetic attempt to get chicks. Wonder if it works?   

All I gotta do is refer to myself in the third person and add the occasional foreign word. Heh. Yea. It'd be like 

"Hey, you Cal?"

And I'd be like

"We and I be Cal. You lookin' for him Oui non?"

Somehow, No. A thousand times no.

Anyway.

Marrow growled at him. So did I. He continued

"Gambit like dat you two get on so well. Like a house on fire Oui?" 

I looked at him and smiled. Or at least my mouth curved up in the corners and all my teeth were showing.

"Ever been in a burning building Gatorbait?"

"Don call me Gatorbait. Gambit don tink you should be so disrespectful. Could be bad for a person, Unerstand?"

He'd left himself wide open with that one. I couldn't resist.

"Only the English bits." 

The white haired woman who was trying not to smile interrupted our little verbal sparring contest.

Sarah, perhaps you would like to introduce everyone."

Marrow had helped herself to a large piece of very undercooked steak. So undercooked the cow probably had no idea it was missing. She looked up from her meal and with a sigh introduced everyone.

The Woman who hadn't said anything and had just sat and watched the proceeding with a mildly amused expression and who turned out to have a Mississippi accent thick enough to float  bricks on was Rogue.

The very regal woman with white hair was Storm.

The hairy munchkin lumberjack claw guy was Wolverine.

The blue guy was Beast.

The one who'd called me a B-movie monster was Jubilee.

The guy with the red eyes who talked about himself in the third person was Gambit. I'd kinda guessed that was his name already.

Jubilee turned to me and said

"So like, tell us a little about yourself or something."

I fought down the urge to sigh. Up until then things had been going so well.


	6. Make it so, Number One

      The Dark Ride Saga – Chapter 

                               Six            

                     Make It So, Number One.

                                                                            Disclaimers-

Running out of ideas: They still aint mine. One day though… Oh yes… Bikinis… so many bikinis… Uh… I mean all featured within are the property of Marvel. 'Cept Cal.

"So all I gotta do is sign over my soul?... hmm… something seems strange about this... ": Want to archive this? Probably not, but this part is just to feed my ego anyway. If you do wanna archive, just ask.

"I don't care what anyone says, its not real porn till a plumber named Sven arrives!": PG. As usual.

Regarding causality: This did fit in to the normal timeline, but I came back from the future and told myself to change it.

"Heed ye the words of the oracle!" Or don't, since any spoilers will be ancient and/or minor ones.

"You bit off his nose! You actually bit off Magneto's nose! HIS NOSE! HIS ACTUAL NOSE AND YOU BIT IT OFF!"

The last word was squeaked at a pitch so high all the heads of the dogs in the neighbourhood imploded. Well OK, they didn't, but I always put that part into the story. He hates it.

By the by, that outburst was from the teams leader, Scott Summers, AKA Cyclops.

I'm getting a little ahead of the continuity of the story here. I always skip to this part. The colour he was turning combined with the way his voice was getting higher and higher made it one of those special moments. You know the ones. The ones where you wish you had control over time and space so you could cut it out and keep it in a box under your bed and relive it over and over again.

Probably doesn't seem that funny to you but I loved it.

Anyway.

Jubilee had asked me to tell them a little about myself. What happened next was something I look back on with amusement.

I panicked.

I claimed I couldn't tell them anything about my past. That I was an amnesiac.

Everyone was silent for a moment. They looked at me. I looked back. 

With a triumphant grin Logan held out a hand. With various expressions of annoyance the others placed various amounts of money into it. By this point I was as confused as you are.

Apparently they had a bet going as to what sort of background the next person to join the team would have. The choices were:

Amnesiac 

(6:1 odds)

Someone's clone 

(5:1odds)

Genetically engineered killing machine 

(40:1odds)

A mutant with terrible powers that can only be controlled in a fashion that leads to lifelong tragedy for their wielder, if they can be controlled at all 

(3:1 odds)

Another member of the Summers family 

(2:1 odds)

Someone with a terrible past, a family full of FOH members and/or supervillians 

(5:1 odds)

Someone without any crippling mutant powers, evil family members or dark secrets 

(1,000,000:1 odds)

That was not supposed to happen. Never the less, it had.  And now Jubilee was arguing with Logan that she didn't have to pay him because since I had amnesia that could mean I was repressing the fact that my past was so terrible and that I had a family full of FOH members and supervillians. 

While I was trying to work out what had just happened the conversation continued to swirl around me. It swirled to the point where it was decided I should be introduced to Professor Xavier. 

Without quite being aware of how it happened I found myself in a magnificently appointed study. (Magnificently appointed study. You can tell I've been watching Frasier. And yes, I'm aware that it isn't considered polite or even normal to admit you watch that show. If you mention it to anyone I'll just use the FBI defence. 'Deny everything.')

 Anyway.

I was in a study, the furniture of which cost enough money to choke a whale. In front of me was an antique desk that I later found out is even older than Cher. On the other side of this desk was the most powerful telepath on the planet. A man who was famed across time and space for his wisdom, compassion and insight. And what did I do as I sat across from this man? This legend in his own time? Did I ponder how I could perhaps follow in his footsteps, attempting to bring peace to others? Did I sit for a moment in quiet reflection? 

No. 

I did not.

I sat and tried not to make Star Trek references. 

Honestly.

The man looks so much like Jean-Luc Picard it scares me.

We talked. Well, he talked. I was distracted by the light reflecting off his head.

He polishes it. He has too. One day I'll prove it.

Uhhh…..

Anyway.

Long and the short of it was that he agreed to let me stay and join the team. Apparently he had decided I was a good person based solely on the fact that I had helped Marrow bring down a group of mutants in a sewer. In return for my being on the team he promised to use the resources he had to try and find out about my past and cure the amnesia I didn't actually have. 

Free room and board in a mansion full of extremely attractive women, with occasional battles to the death with supervillians thrown in. 

Paradise. 

I was soon being shown around the mansion by Logan. Marrow had decided to tag along. It became obvious they didn't get along well. The fact that within five minutes he had her pinned to a wall with his claws out and aimed at her stomach while she had a bone knife held point first against his back was a clue.

He politely offered to put her down like the rabid animal she was.

She politely offered to throat him.

I impolitely shrieked/squealed "what!?!" in a high pitched voice.

See where I come from throating someone aint exactly a threat.  

The fact I completely humiliated myself pointing out and explaining this was more than compensated for by their expressions and the looks of pure unimaginable horror they gave each other.

Anyway.

Once you've repressed any mental pictures that last part may have caused I'll continue. We moved further into the mansion and the décor began change from 'look how much better I am because I'm richer than you' into 'why's the little grey guy with the big head waving that metal hoobajoob at my butt?.' Place was seriously sci-fi. The tour ended in what was essentially a big silver room. I'd have made a smartassed comment about that but I was still being haunted by the throating comment. Having naked thoughts about Marrow Sure, but Logan? That's just wrong on so many levels.

"This is the danger room.  It uses some sorta advanced tech ta generate holograms."

Logan looked me up and down before continuing

"We'll be up there."

He gestured to an observation area set high in one wall.    

"Time ta see how good you really are."

They left. I waited. I waited some more. It had been less than a minute but I was kinda getting all panicky. What If I messed up and tripped over my own hooves or something? What if I humiliated myself completely and Sarah refused to ever speak to me again? Why was her opinion suddenly so important to me? When had she become Sarah and not Marrow? And what was that annoying WHOK WHOK noise? And why was I stood there talking to myself?

The answer was surprisingly easy to discover. Well the one about the WHOK WHOK noise was. 

I'm still not sure about the others. Especially the talking to myself one.

Anyway.

Turns out I was being attacked by three guys in FOH (that's friends of humanity) badges. They were hitting me with steel bars. 

I did mention that because of the Bio-armour I have instead of skin I can't actually fell anything right? A left hook into the face of the guy on the right redecorated the wall behind him with bits of his head that were never designed to see daylight, a right hook to the guy on the left and he was gonna be eating his holographic thanksgiving turkey through an equally holographic straw. I reached out my claw, grabbed the last guy's neck and jerked my hand to the side. He never even had time to realise he was dead before I dropped his body.

I remember thinking 'Damn but this is realistic' right before the ninja jumped me. Turns out that whenever you take out one opponent another more powerful one appears. The ninja lasted an embarrassingly long time before he started to get tired and I managed to connect with a swing that broke his hip and shattered the bones in his thigh.

You think that'd take down a ninja right? Wrong. One-legged assassins are surprisingly agile. Luckily a bone fragment had severed an artery so he collapsed before he could humiliate me too much.

The next opponent was a Sentinel. That was fun. The trick to killing Sentinels is to wait till they begin their entire 'mutant located. Beginning primary objective' speech. They usually don't attack while they're reeling it off so you can whack 'em easily. 

The next opponent was a minor evil minion™ called Blizzard. He hissed

"Now you shaaalll feel the icy chill of blizzzzzzzzzzard!"

I was not impressed.

Due to my admittedly unusual biology my I can generate fairly large amounts of electricity on command. I generated as much as I could and transmitted it into my lungs.

Suddenly instead of breathing out a nice cloud of pine fresh scented carbon dioxide I'm breathing out a ball of superheated plasma. 

Even through his really stupid mask I could see his expression of surprise. 

Well, I could see it right up to the point when his head vaporised.  

Suddenly a section of a city swirled into existence around me and Scott's voice echoed.

"We've been watching for a while and were all curious as to exactly how much you can handle. With your permission we want to activate one last hologram."

I was feeling really confident so I agreed. I waited. I looked up at the control room. Marrow gestured behind me. The really nasty grin she was wearing didn't inspire me. I turned. There, floating quite calmly several meters in the air, surrounded by a magnetic bubble was Magneto.

I had a sudden psychic episode; this was not going to end well.

He raised a hand to chest level and swept it to his left. Following the movement was two cars and a dumpster. All three managed to hit me. He repeated the movement several times and once he was certain I was thoroughly pacified he moved in to taunt me, as was his villainous wont. (Get out of my head Frasier damn you!) 

I muttered something, just loud enough for him to hear I had said something. His curiosity piqued he moved in a few feet. I repeated it. I wasn't actually saying anything, I was just sounding like I was. He moved even closer, and leaned in towards me. I grinned and launched forwards. 

The rest you know.

The moral of this little experience?

Biting off the nose of someone tougher 'n you is a great way of breaking their concentration and rendering them vulnerable. 

I never said I was a nice person.


	7. In which our hero witnesses the brutal o...

     The Dark Ride Saga - Chapter 

                            Seven

** In which our hero witnesses the brutal   **

**             oppression of his people.  **

 Disclaimers-

Outright denial:This was actually written by King Doom's evil twin, Spanky. He's the one who lives in the secret underwater base and impersonates good, ol' KD.

Archiving: As always, be my guest. But remember, it's good luck to buy a fanfic author a beer.

Rating:90 proof. Some obscenities. 

Instructions for reading: At every page, drink a shot of tequila, eat a bit of salt and some lemon. Repeat until you say, "Damn, I have to write to Marvel and get 'em to hook up Marrow with this King Doom guy!"

Spoilers: Yes, but as usual I'm too lazy to say what they are.

After my amazing victory over Magneto in the danger room and the ensuing lecture from Scott about how the X-men did not bite off people's noses ever, even when it could turn the tide of a battle I had retired to the basement. I'd been offered one of the rooms in the guys wing of the mansion but I felt a hell of a lot… not safer, but… Hell I don't know. I just feel happier underground. And in the dark. And alone. Crowds freak me out too. And, I'm angsting now. Just noticed that. 

Sorry.

Anyway, there I was lying on a mattress that I had been provided with, being seriously aching and bruised and generally in pain, worrying about the fact that due to an evil magnetism controlling super villain pounding a streetlight repeatedly into the small of my back I had two seriously bruised kidneys and would probably be peeing pink for the foreseeable future.

Uhhh… 

I forget where I was going with that particular anecdote.

Anyway.

Cutting this part of this long story slightly shorter I fell asleep. The sound of footsteps woke me up. It was Marrow. First thing I noticed was rather than her normal tensed-up-ready-to-kill-someone-at-a-moments-notice walk she was swaying across the room in a slinky 100% porn starlet strut. Something was wrong here, but she moved over to the mattress and with a very friendly smile pressed herself against me and I suddenly found it very hard to think at all. After a few moments of enthusiastically rubbing herself against me she looked into my eyes and purred

"Well, aren't you going to join in?"

I was seriously surprised by this turn of events, and after a few attempts managed to regain the powers of speech and mention this. She laughed and asked why I couldn't just lie back and enjoy. I developed a twitch. With a sigh she rolled back and explained

"This is a dream sequence. I'm your subconscious. Look."

A swarm of winged monkeys flew past. Everything was starting to make sense. Well, it made more sense than an attractive woman throwing herself at me. 

Anyway.

She continued

"You like Marrow don't you? Your gonna act all surprised that I said that and say something like but I've only known her a few days right? And then you'll angst."

I nodded mutely. 

"I know how these things are supposed to go. You'll realize you hate her, and she'll realize she hates you, except when your saving each others lives, at which point there'll be lots of unresolved sexual tension and then one day some random super villain will shoot at one of you and the other will dive into the way, valiantly saving the others life at the cost of his or her own, and will survive only long enough to admit they've been in love with the survivor all along before dieing. How tragically romantic. You know what I think about that?"

I shook my head. My life was just one big surreal drug free acid trip. She started talking again.

"BULLSHIT! Its not gonna happen. Your gonna be nice to her. Your gonna listen to her. Eventually she may consent to actually start a relationship with you. That would be a good thing. Oh, and this is for threatening to stab me to death with a Q-tip."

 I woke up with a start. That was a weird dream. I relaxed and lay back down on the bed. I couldn't help but wonder

"What did she mean when she said and 'this is for threatening to stab me with a Q-tip?'"

Someone next to me rolled over, an arm was draped across my chest and the very naked Wolverine I was sharing the bed with asked 

"Who said what about a Q-tip darlin'?"

And then I woke up screaming.

A family sized tub of chewable morphine stolen from the infirmary and eaten with an ice cream scoop later I managed to fall asleep again. The next morning was a weekday and the mansion was deserted. Apparently everyone had actual real lives outside of the team and the occasional skirmish to the death with supervillians bent on destroying/conquering the world. Within an hour I was so bored I was seriously contemplating chewing my own arm off, just to see if I could. I wandered into the rec room. I was confronted with the biggest most expensive TV system I had ever seen. Unfortunately, it being daytime, there was nothing but daytime TV.   

Within fifteen minutes I was so bored I was reduced to watching Oprah while sitting on the couch upside down. 

After about half an episode of lesbian transsexual prostitutes who are addicted to crack hitting each other with chairs Marrow walked in. She didn't comment, she just sat on the couch across from me and gave me a strange look. She opened her mouth to make a comment but I interrupted.

"I'm bored ok? Now quiet. Lesbian hookers on crack."

I gestured vaguely towards the TV.

"Your bored so your sitting upside down on the couch? That helps?"

"Well, no. But all the blood does flow to your head and you start hallucinating."

"Oh."

All was quiet for a while. She let out a sigh and moved over to the couch. We sat upside down for a while, making sarcastic comments about the problems of all the guests. Then I had a minor psychotic episode where Rosie O'Donnell's head floated out of the TV and told me to go out and kill in her name. You thought I was kidding about the blood flow to the head/hallucinations thing right? 

Anyway.

The minutes stretched into hours. It's a lot less dull than it sounds. To tell the truth, I was happy spending time with someone who was acting like I was a regular person instead of a giant lizard thing. It was … nice.

Stop looking at me like that. I bet you've never been chased across three blocks by a nun waving a bible, a bell and a candle who's hell bent on exorcising you, right?

And yes, I'm aware of the irony of using the words hell bent to describe a nun.

Anyway.

Eventually another one of the X-men wandered in. This was one I hadn't been introduced too. I heard him mutter

"Ok. Monster on the couch. Upside down monster on the couch. Fine. Just dandy. I don't care. I've spent the last seven hours filing other people's taxes and I'm past caring."

He moved over to one of the big comfy chairs and collapsed with a combination 'I'm glad that's over' sigh and a 'thank god I'm sat down' groan. He fidgeted for a while and then asked

"Hey Marrow, are you watching this?"

She turned to look at me and asked

"Are we watching this?"

I shrugged (That's actually a pretty impressive feat if your upside down and nine feet tall with wings) and answered

"I'm not really watching this."

I turned to face the guy and asked what he wanted to watch.  He was looking very surprised I could speak. My opinion of him plummeted. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and listened as he told us about a marathon of Anime he had been looking forward to for a while. Japanese animation. It sounded interesting. 

Two hours later, I was considering invading Japan and my opinion of abacus boy was so low it had moved into a subterranean cavern next to the mole people.

What? Abacus boy? He had muttered something about doing other peoples taxes. I assumed he was an accountant. Or he worked for the mob. Possibly both.

Why was I so annoyed?

 Each and every one of the movies featured at least one giant monster either doing something disturbingly unhygienic to schoolgirls before being blasted to pieces by some idiot with bad hair who screamed out the names of every one of his attacks and glowed, or just straight out being hacked to pieces by a ninja. One of them even looked like me!

The monster, not the schoolgirl. That would be weird.

And another thing. If I ever start glowing I'm gonna check the water supply for heavy metals. These guys just seem to think it makes them powerful.

Anyway. 

I asked him if he really enjoyed watching this stuff. He opened his mouth to say something when the character (read: Hentai Tentacle Monster) that looked like me was sliced in two. 

You have no idea how disturbing it is to see an animated version of yourself cut in two by a chibified schoolgirl with giant eyes, a magic cat and really big hair.

I gave abacus boy a very nasty look. That's something I'm good at. He left very quickly. Marrow laughed. 

Just great. I'd been the mansion less than a week and I'd scared one X-man away and called another Gatorbait. 


	8. Angst off the hammond bow! dive! DIVE!

   The Dark Ride Saga - Chapter 

                         Eight

  Angst off the Hammond Bow! DIVE! DIVE!

                                                        Disclaimers- 

Legal thingy: The characters and situations represented within are owned by Cal. Argue with him about this.

Archiving**:** Anywhere, anytime.

Rating**: **How would I know? I haven't written any more than this.

Timeframe**:** Hey, the future, when else?

Spoilers: Here's one now! "There is no spoon."

The rest of the day after seeing of evil abacus man was spent pretty much barricaded in the rec room. It was pretty dull. The high point was a discussion on who should be allowed to join the team. We finally agreed on Jason X, the freaky cyborg killing machine from the… uh… either the Halloween movies or the Friday the thirteenth movies. I forget which. There was also Ash from Evil Dead and Duke Nukem. If you don't know who Duke Nukem is then I pity you, I truly do. The man is my hero. We got into a very pointless argument after that. Yea, it was that kind of afternoon. Like I said, pretty dull.

The interesting stuff happened later, after we'd all retired to our rooms. Or the basement. Wherever.

I'd had a nightmare.

Well…more of a flashback. 

I hate flashbacks.

I could remember swirling images of a glass container, and a steel table, and images of doctors all around me, talking or handling medical instruments.

 Actually, not so much a flashback as being trapped in a swirling abyss of never ending soul twisting torment. If I even have a soul. 

That's not something I want to talk about right now.

And I know what you're thinking.

Oh look. He was experimented on. How unique. That's never happened before. Just to only the rest of the X-men at one time or another.

I'll tell you this now; it was a lot worse than just being experimented on.

Anyway.

I'd woken, gasping for breath, my sheets tangled in my claw, swinging a punch with my other hand at something that only existed in my memories anymore.

It took me a moment to remember were I was. I let out a sigh and lowered myself back down. I wasn't gonna get anymore sleep tonight.

Just as I was about to leave and either prowl the mansion corridors for a while or visit the danger room and beat the hell out of something holographic, Marrow spoke.

"I know that feeling."

I was doubtful, to say the least. I mentioned that. She snorted.

"What makes you think you're the only one who ever had anything bad happen to you?"

 I laughed. Started talking. I didn't stop for a long time. I told her everything. When I was finished she returned the favour. Turns out we both had a lot in common.

The next morning found us both sat on the roof, wrapped in a blanket and watching the sun rise. 

There's something reassuring about watching the sun rise. Watching a new day begin.

It's a reminder than no matter how bad yesterday was, today can be different. Better. 

Another thing I was glad about was that things between us hadn't changed. Well, maybe they had a little. Things between us had gone from an I-sort-of-tolerate-your-presence friendship to something that was more like us being war buddies.

Just in case you were thinking something good was happening to me and the two of us were up there making some kind of connection I'm gonna go right ahead and tell you what happens next – I kinda… well, I'd been awake all night and… and… Well, I sorta dozed off and fell off of the roof.

Yup.

You heard me.

A full on romantic watching the sunrise moment and I passed out through sheer being awake all night and fell off the roof. 

I also totalled all of Storms roses and most of Jeans too when I landed.  

Sarah did think it was hilarious though so it wasn't a total loss though… who am I kidding? I couldn't have embarrassed myself anymore if I had danced a weird dance wearing a clown suit in the middle of a large group of mutant hating monkeys who were all on crack and armed with large piles of monkeyturd. 

Tangent ahoy!

Aint seen any of them for a while, huh?

Anyway.

Back to the plot. 

The rest of the week went pretty uneventfully, barring many many references to what was becoming known as 'the war of the roses' and many many nasty looks from Jean and Storm. I tried to explain I hadn't done it on purpose but no, I was living with the mansions resident basement monster so I must be evil and I must have done it on purpose. Yea, right. I assassinate decorative bushes all the time.

By the by, the basement monster line was not mine and you never EVER heard me say it either, right?

Anyway.

It was Saturday morning and I was happily sitting on the couch, eating lots of sugar coated cereal in a happy cartoon induced mental coma when with a very impressive BAMF and a cloud of sulphur a strange furry guy with a tail appeared.

It was early and my brain was still running about a quarter hour behind current events so I didn't even react as he bounded over and asked

"You must be Cal, ja? I am Kurt Wagner and I am pleased to meet you."

He grabbed my claw and shook it vigorously. He noticed my talons and smiled before continuing

"Three claws? Perhaps later we can get together and angst about how freakish and misunderstood we are, mein Freund?"

He held up a three fingered hand and I couldn't help but smile.

"I was asked to relay this message- we are all to gather in the main hallway. Danke und weg!"

(That should say 'thanks and away!' It might, actually. I'm not sure. My accent is terrible. Or it would be if I could speak German, but I can't so I don't. I can barely speak English sometimes.)

Anyway, with that he performed an exaggerated bow and with another BAMF teleported away. 

I liked the guy. He was kinda like a furry Errol Flynn. 

After quickly finishing my cereal I made my way to the hall. The others were already there. I gave everyone a cheery wave. Gatorbait gave me a nasty look, Logan gave me a slight nod and Jubilee popped the bubble she had been blowing. It felt so nice to be so popular and appreciated. 

That was sarcasm, by the by. 

Anyway.

I looked around but I couldn't see Marrow. I asked where she was and a very disgruntled 

sounding brunette I hadn't seen before said 

"Right here. Image inducer."

Apparently that was all the explanation I was going to get because she immediately returned to giving Storm very nasty looks.

Another regular looking guy, if slightly bigger and bulkier than average walked over from where he had been talking quietly with Scooter. 

 He must have overheard because he explained

"Greeting and salutations, my armored amigo, tis I, the bouncing blue furred Beast. At least I would be, were I not camouflaged by this illusionary apparel, ably generated by this little wonder of modern technology."

He drew a metal tube from a pocket and handed it to me. As I examined it he continued.

"Pressing the small button on the side there and it will cover you in a hologram. Suffice to say, since I designed it, it is a very convincing hologram."

I looked up and suddenly I couldn't hear a word he was saying. There was another member of the X-Men walking towards us and all I could hear was Bon Jovi playing the song 'Bad Medicine'. She had a mass of flame red hair and a stunning hourglass figure that would probably give her serious back problems in later life. She smiled at me as she passed and I'm fairly certain one of my hearts started spasming.

"…And that is why when you activate the device it will, rather than covering you in a concealing hologram, render you paralyzed whereupon I will lock you in an orbital satellite I have created where your only companions will be four robots. Once on this satellite I will force you to watch bad movies till I discover the one film that drives you insane. Once I have found this movie I will inflict it on the world, thus destroying civilization. Any questions?" 

Hank had still been talking and apparently noticed that he no longer had my attention.

He followed my gaze, muttered something under his breath that sounded surprisingly like 'Oh, not this again. Honestly, this happens all the time.'

"You need a timeout?"

Marrow had entered the conversation.

She followed my gaze.

"Who're we looking at? The redhead. She was one of the original team ya know? She gets around. Hell, were probably the only people here she hasn't slept with yet. And her marriage to leader man is having problems. You should try your luck. You two'd make a cute couple." 

Hank was not looking happy about her comment. Thankfully a scene was averted because Scooter announced

"Okay people, outside and into the cars. Let's get this show on the road."  

We moved outside and into the cars. Well, I moved towards a Hummer. It looked like it was the only thing that I could ride in and not crack both axles.

Before I got in I activated the image inducer. I discovered a small problem. I was about a foot and a half too tall. While my legs and chest were covered by the image inducers field my head, wings, tail and arms were floating in midair. 

It was weird to say the least. 

Especially my tail. 

Tails shouldn't just float around like that. 

I called Scooter over. His first reaction was to tell me not to call him Scooter. Then he gave me a weird look. Considering he was wearing ruby quartz shades, it was a very weird look.

I asked if the image inducer was really necessary. He said no. With a shrug I pocketed it and got into the vehicle. After much twitching and shifting around to find a position that didn't cut off the blood flow to my tail I finally settled down.

On a side note, my major pet hate is chairs not designed for people with tails.

I hate it when my tail goes numb. It always takes an annoyingly long time before the feelings come back. Well, ok. Like I've said before, I rarely feel anything physical 'cos of my bio-armor but I know when something's numb and when it isn't. And when it isn't, it feels weird. Or doesn't. Or something. Look, your just gonna have to take my word for it ok?

Uhhh…..

What was I talking about?

Kids, say no to tangents.

Hehe.

Sorry.

Anyway. 

I was sitting in the back of the humvee and I had just gotten sorta comfortable. Up front was Abacus, the annoying mutant accountant. I knew his name was Robert 'Bobby' Drake but I was still annoyed about the anime thing. Hank was driving. I asked where we were going. Given the amount of planning and the way Scooter had been acting, I was expecting it to be a raid on a super villain's base or something. Instead, I was told we were going to the mall. I would have preferred the super villains.    


	9. Things happen in a mall

   The Dark Ride Saga - Chapter 

                         Eight

  Angst off the Hammond Bow! DIVE! DIVE!

                                                        Disclaimers- 

Legal thingy: The characters and situations represented within are owned by Cal. Argue with him about this.

Archiving**:** Anywhere, anytime.

Rating**: **How would I know? I haven't written any more than this.

Timeframe**:** Hey, the future, when else?

Spoilers: Here's one now! "There is no spoon."

The rest of the day after seeing of evil abacus man was spent pretty much barricaded in the rec room. It was pretty dull. The high point was a discussion on who should be allowed to join the team. We finally agreed on Jason X, the freaky cyborg killing machine from the… uh… either the Halloween movies or the Friday the thirteenth movies. I forget which. There was also Ash from Evil Dead and Duke Nukem. If you don't know who Duke Nukem is then I pity you, I truly do. The man is my hero. We got into a very pointless argument after that. Yea, it was that kind of afternoon. Like I said, pretty dull.

The interesting stuff happened later, after we'd all retired to our rooms. Or the basement. Wherever.

I'd had a nightmare.

Well…more of a flashback. 

I hate flashbacks.

I could remember swirling images of a glass container, and a steel table, and images of doctors all around me, talking or handling medical instruments.

 Actually, not so much a flashback as being trapped in a swirling abyss of never ending soul twisting torment. If I even have a soul. 

That's not something I want to talk about right now.

And I know what you're thinking.

Oh look. He was experimented on. How unique. That's never happened before. Just to only the rest of the X-men at one time or another.

I'll tell you this now; it was a lot worse than just being experimented on.

Anyway.

I'd woken, gasping for breath, my sheets tangled in my claw, swinging a punch with my other hand at something that only existed in my memories anymore.

It took me a moment to remember were I was. I let out a sigh and lowered myself back down. I wasn't gonna get anymore sleep tonight.

Just as I was about to leave and either prowl the mansion corridors for a while or visit the danger room and beat the hell out of something holographic, Marrow spoke.

"I know that feeling."

I was doubtful, to say the least. I mentioned that. She snorted.

"What makes you think you're the only one who ever had anything bad happen to you?"

 I laughed. Started talking. I didn't stop for a long time. I told her everything. When I was finished she returned the favour. Turns out we both had a lot in common.

The next morning found us both sat on the roof, wrapped in a blanket and watching the sun rise. 

There's something reassuring about watching the sun rise. Watching a new day begin.

It's a reminder than no matter how bad yesterday was, today can be different. Better. 

Another thing I was glad about was that things between us hadn't changed. Well, maybe they had a little. Things between us had gone from an I-sort-of-tolerate-your-presence friendship to something that was more like us being war buddies.

Just in case you were thinking something good was happening to me and the two of us were up there making some kind of connection I'm gonna go right ahead and tell you what happens next – I kinda… well, I'd been awake all night and… and… Well, I sorta dozed off and fell off of the roof.

Yup.

You heard me.

A full on romantic watching the sunrise moment and I passed out through sheer being awake all night and fell off the roof. 

I also totalled all of Storms roses and most of Jeans too when I landed.  

Sarah did think it was hilarious though so it wasn't a total loss though… who am I kidding? I couldn't have embarrassed myself anymore if I had danced a weird dance wearing a clown suit in the middle of a large group of mutant hating monkeys who were all on crack and armed with large piles of monkeyturd. 

Tangent ahoy!

Aint seen any of them for a while, huh?

Anyway.

Back to the plot. 

The rest of the week went pretty uneventfully, barring many many references to what was becoming known as 'the war of the roses' and many many nasty looks from Jean and Storm. I tried to explain I hadn't done it on purpose but no, I was living with the mansions resident basement monster so I must be evil and I must have done it on purpose. Yea, right. I assassinate decorative bushes all the time.

By the by, the basement monster line was not mine and you never EVER heard me say it either, right?

Anyway.

It was Saturday morning and I was happily sitting on the couch, eating lots of sugar coated cereal in a happy cartoon induced mental coma when with a very impressive BAMF and a cloud of sulphur a strange furry guy with a tail appeared.

It was early and my brain was still running about a quarter hour behind current events so I didn't even react as he bounded over and asked

"You must be Cal, ja? I am Kurt Wagner and I am pleased to meet you."

He grabbed my claw and shook it vigorously. He noticed my talons and smiled before continuing

"Three claws? Perhaps later we can get together and angst about how freakish and misunderstood we are, mein Freund?"

He held up a three fingered hand and I couldn't help but smile.

"I was asked to relay this message- we are all to gather in the main hallway. Danke und weg!"

(That should say 'thanks and away!' It might, actually. I'm not sure. My accent is terrible. Or it would be if I could speak German, but I can't so I don't. I can barely speak English sometimes.)

Anyway, with that he performed an exaggerated bow and with another BAMF teleported away. 

I liked the guy. He was kinda like a furry Errol Flynn. 

After quickly finishing my cereal I made my way to the hall. The others were already there. I gave everyone a cheery wave. Gatorbait gave me a nasty look, Logan gave me a slight nod and Jubilee popped the bubble she had been blowing. It felt so nice to be so popular and appreciated. 

That was sarcasm, by the by. 

Anyway.

I looked around but I couldn't see Marrow. I asked where she was and a very disgruntled 

sounding brunette I hadn't seen before said 

"Right here. Image inducer."

Apparently that was all the explanation I was going to get because she immediately returned to giving Storm very nasty looks.

Another regular looking guy, if slightly bigger and bulkier than average walked over from where he had been talking quietly with Scooter. 

 He must have overheard because he explained

"Greeting and salutations, my armored amigo, tis I, the bouncing blue furred Beast. At least I would be, were I not camouflaged by this illusionary apparel, ably generated by this little wonder of modern technology."

He drew a metal tube from a pocket and handed it to me. As I examined it he continued.

"Pressing the small button on the side there and it will cover you in a hologram. Suffice to say, since I designed it, it is a very convincing hologram."

I looked up and suddenly I couldn't hear a word he was saying. There was another member of the X-Men walking towards us and all I could hear was Bon Jovi playing the song 'Bad Medicine'. She had a mass of flame red hair and a stunning hourglass figure that would probably give her serious back problems in later life. She smiled at me as she passed and I'm fairly certain one of my hearts started spasming.

"…And that is why when you activate the device it will, rather than covering you in a concealing hologram, render you paralyzed whereupon I will lock you in an orbital satellite I have created where your only companions will be four robots. Once on this satellite I will force you to watch bad movies till I discover the one film that drives you insane. Once I have found this movie I will inflict it on the world, thus destroying civilization. Any questions?" 

Hank had still been talking and apparently noticed that he no longer had my attention.

He followed my gaze, muttered something under his breath that sounded surprisingly like 'Oh, not this again. Honestly, this happens all the time.'

"You need a timeout?"

Marrow had entered the conversation.

She followed my gaze.

"Who're we looking at? The redhead. She was one of the original team ya know? She gets around. Hell, were probably the only people here she hasn't slept with yet. And her marriage to leader man is having problems. You should try your luck. You two'd make a cute couple." 

Hank was not looking happy about her comment. Thankfully a scene was averted because Scooter announced

"Okay people, outside and into the cars. Let's get this show on the road."  

We moved outside and into the cars. Well, I moved towards a Hummer. It looked like it was the only thing that I could ride in and not crack both axles.

Before I got in I activated the image inducer. I discovered a small problem. I was about a foot and a half too tall. While my legs and chest were covered by the image inducers field my head, wings, tail and arms were floating in midair. 

It was weird to say the least. 

Especially my tail. 

Tails shouldn't just float around like that. 

I called Scooter over. His first reaction was to tell me not to call him Scooter. Then he gave me a weird look. Considering he was wearing ruby quartz shades, it was a very weird look.

I asked if the image inducer was really necessary. He said no. With a shrug I pocketed it and got into the vehicle. After much twitching and shifting around to find a position that didn't cut off the blood flow to my tail I finally settled down.

On a side note, my major pet hate is chairs not designed for people with tails.

I hate it when my tail goes numb. It always takes an annoyingly long time before the feelings come back. Well, ok. Like I've said before, I rarely feel anything physical 'cos of my bio-armor but I know when something's numb and when it isn't. And when it isn't, it feels weird. Or doesn't. Or something. Look, your just gonna have to take my word for it ok?

Uhhh…..

What was I talking about?

Kids, say no to tangents.

Hehe.

Sorry.

Anyway. 

I was sitting in the back of the humvee and I had just gotten sorta comfortable. Up front was Abacus, the annoying mutant accountant. I knew his name was Robert 'Bobby' Drake but I was still annoyed about the anime thing. Hank was driving. I asked where we were going. Given the amount of planning and the way Scooter had been acting, I was expecting it to be a raid on a super villain's base or something. Instead, I was told we were going to the mall. I would have preferred the super villains.    


End file.
